


Dennis' Double Life (Redux)

by denimlemonade



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: F/M, M/M, my alternate and painful yet more fulfilling timeline
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-12-30 00:44:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12096996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/denimlemonade/pseuds/denimlemonade
Summary: Another way that DDL could have played out





	Dennis' Double Life (Redux)

"What about this one?" Dennis asked, staring intently at the computer screen.

Mac's eyes snapped away from Dennis' face. 

"Yeah, Den. That looks great. Two bathrooms and everything!" His eyes flickered between Dennis’ face and the photos of a cheap, dismal apartment. It felt surreal, to be so close to Dennis again. It wasn't just the physical closeness, though the back office of the bar did keep them in tight quarters. It was deeper than that. Mac had felt a divide growing between them for a while, a distance that had manifested even more harshly since he had come ou-

_Nope. I can't think like that. I did the right thing and there's no going back now._

But none of that mattered now. Dennis had been warmer lately, especially since Valentine’s Day. He even suggested that they start looking at an apartment of their own, Frank's bed bet be damned. 

"You think the second bedroom's too small in this one?" Dennis asked, glancing briefly at Mac.

"Huh? Oh, maybe. Looks fine to me, actually. Anything’s better than being jammed in a bed with Dee and Old Black Man." 

Dennis gave Mac a hard look. 

"And me." 

"What?" Mac hoped Dennis couldn't see him blushing. "Right, yeah. We'll go back to having our own apartment and our own beds. Just like it used to be. I miss-"

Frank burst into the room; Dennis and Mac broke their gaze, leaning away from each other. Only then did Mac realize how close their faces had been.

"Dennis, there's some broad here to see you. Says it's important." 

"Hmm." Dennis perked up. "Is she hot?"

Mac's gaze dropped to the floor.

"Kinda. Looks like a whore." Frank turned and waddled back through the door.

Dennis followed. Mac shuffled behind him reluctantly.

A brunette woman in a black blouse stood by the bar, looking around tentatively. 

"Dennis." Her eyes lit up as she saw him approach. 

"Do I know you?"

"You- you don't remember me?"

"Am I supposed to remember something? Just spit it out already, I've got shit to do."

"You know, back in North Dakota. We-," she paused, looking around embarrassedly. "We made love together."

Charlie piped up from behind the bar. "Gross, dude." 

Dennis ignored him. "Oh. Shit. Yeah, I remember you. From the layover. What do you want? I'm not going to bang you again, if that's what you're hoping."

"No, it’s not that. It’s... you and me, we, well, we have a child."

The bar was silent. All of the gang stared directly at Dennis, lost for words for seemingly the first time in any of their lives. Mac's stomach flipped and for a brief moment he thought he might vomit. 

Dennis' lips were pursed in a tight line. His eyes betrayed no emotion, but Dee could have sworn he was trembling almost imperceptibly.

"Dennis..." Dee began.

Dennis straightened up and crafted what he hoped was an aloof expression.

"So, what? You want money? Of course, as soon as I stop alimony payments I've gotta start with child support."

The brunette woman shook her head. "I don't want your money. I want our kid to have a dad. I want her to have a father. I’m not going to raise her alone. I want you to come back to Bismarck with me." 

Mac finally interrupted, speaking so quickly the rest of the gang could barely comprehend him.

"That's crazy Dennis! You can't go with her! You've got the bar and we're getting an apartment and all of us are here. You can't just pack up and leave! You don't even know if it's your kid. Who knows how many random dudes have been dropping loads in this chick! She can't be serious... Dennis?”

Dennis hadn't even glanced at Mac. His eyes remained fixed on the woman. 

"What's her name?"

The woman turned back from Mac, the look of shock and hurt fading.

"Callie. Her name is Callie."

An uneasy silence lasted for a minute. 

"Shiiit," said Dee, taking a large swig of beer. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**"DENNIS' DOUBLE LIFE"**

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I can't believe you, dude. You really agreed to go have dinner with her? You're really considering this?” Mac paced back and forth in the back office.

“Calm down, Mac. I didn't commit to anything. Nothing’s in writing. I’m not just going to jump on a plane with some woman I barely know.” 

“Yeah, screw that broad and her kid,” Frank piped up from the corner of the room. 

Dennis began to raise his voice. “I’m not going to be taking parenting advice from you, Frank. And why are you even here? Go hang out with Dee and Charlie, whatever they're doing.” 

“I’m trying to help.” Frank pushed his glasses up on his face. “You know, this could be my grandkid. I should get a say.”

“Frank, you just said ‘screw that kid’ a second ago!” Mac said. 

“Wait, I got an idea. You don’t want to raise some kid? I'll pay her off to forget all this crap. And for us to bang.”

“Frank, what are you talking about? Get out of here! Just leave us alone so we can think of a real plan,” Mac said. 

“Y’know, it's like that movie! With that broad from ‘Ghost.’ It'll work, no woman can resist a rich, handsome man like myself.” Frank smiled proudly.

“‘Indecent Proposal’? You're seriously going to pay this chick a million dollars?” Mac looked at Frank incredulously. 

“Nah, she's not worth that much. I could get her for cheaper than that. We’ll haggle!”

“Christ, Frank.” Dennis’ face was turning a deep red. “Sure! Great plan! Everyone can just pay her off! Fantastic! Let’s have everybody start making their own plans! Get out of here!”

“I'll see you at dinner.” Frank threw open the door and marched out. 

Mac paused, waiting for Frank to get out of earshot. 

“Dennis, maybe that could work. I mean, she didn't seem THAT committed. If Frank just-”

“It could _work_? You think any amount of money will get her to sleep with that troll of a man? And even if it did work, how would that possibly make her change her mind about me going to North Dakota?” Dennis buried his head in his hands.

“Dennis,” Mac’s voice softened. “We’ll think of something, man. It’ll work out.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Charlie and Dee stood in the back alley, cigarettes in hand. 

“You know, I think it might be fun to have a little kid running around the bar. I think I’d be a great dad, I’ve got a lot of great opinions, and I mean, how hard can parenting really be?”

Dee exhaled and stared at Charlie.

“Seriously? Did you not listen to a single word back in the bar? There’s no kid coming here. That lady wanted Dennis to go back to North Dakota with her. Charlie, do you ever have any idea what’s going on?”

“No, yeah, I totally got all of that. I just thought that you might be confused, so…”

“Christ, Charlie. Just save it.”

The two smoked in silence for a couple minutes. 

“So, like, what are you going to do if Dennis leaves?”

“I’m not staying here with you boners, that’s for sure. All these years you’ve been putting me down, calling me a bird, well not any more. If Dennis is getting out of this shithole, then so am I. I’ll take some time, focus on my career. I’ve got connections in the industry, I could get a role as soon as I actually try.”

“RIght, yeah. But I was talking more about that whole mind meld thing though. Like does that work long distance?”

“What the hell are you talking about, Charlie?”

“You know, that whole brain connection that all twins have. Where you can read each other’s thoughts and stuff. If Dennis goes to North Dakota will it still work?”

Dee rolled her eyes. “You’re unbelievable.” 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Dennis! Dennis, I’ve got it!” Mac burst into Dee’s apartment. Dennis maintained his dead-eyed stare at the wall in front of him. “Bro, I’ve got a plan!”

Dennis slowly turned to Mac. “What is it?”

“We pretend to be dating!”

“What? Why?” 

“Because dude, that chick’s not going to want to live with you and let you raise that kid if you’re gay! You know all those people up there hate gay people, you’ve seen ‘Brokeback Mountain.’”

“I don’t - ‘Brokeback Mountain’? I just - I’m not going to pretend to be your boyfriend, Mac.”

“Why not? Come on, you don’t have to do anything. We just have to go to dinner with her together and pretend for a while. Plus Frank can do his ‘Indecent Proposal’ bullshit. The she’ll see that you going to North Dakota is just not going to happen, she’ll bail, and it’ll be over.”

Dennis mulled it over for a minute.

“This isn’t because you’re…”

“Seriously, dude? You think just because I’m gay I’m going to try to marry you or something? Bro, that’s offensive.”

“No, man, come on, that’s not what I meant. I just mean, if I do this, I want all the terms to be clear.”

Mac sighed. “I’ll sign a contract if that’d make you feel better.”

Dennis considered it for a moment. 

“No, you don’t have to, man. I mean I’d have to draft one, get it notarized and everything before dinner. We’ll just have a gentleman’s understanding.”

“Alright.” Mac broke into a grin. “So what should we wear?” 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Really? All that talk about outfits and you’re just wearing a t-shirt?” Dennis scoffed.

“Well, I’m thinking I’d be the more casual one in the relationship. You’re the breadwinner, I’m the trophy boyfriend.”

“Just… save it for dinner.” Dennis joined Mac behind the bar. “I need a drink.”

Mac poured them each a shot of tequila and they threw them back. They glanced at each other and looked away quickly. An uncomfortable moment passed.

Mac finally broke the silence. “Hey, dude, your collar’s all messed up.” 

“Shit, really?” Dennis looked around, trying to catch a glimpse of his reflection somewhere.

“Here, I got it.” Mac reached around Dennis’ neck, smoothing his crooked collar. His hands slid back down, pausing at the tips. “This shirt’s a good choice. Brings out your eyes.”

Dennis’ hands floated up towards Mac’s. “Mac…” 

The door to the bar burst open. 

“You sons of bitches! You can’t go to dinner without me and Charlie!”

“Dee, why do you care?” Mac asked.

“Come on, guys, don’t just leave me out! I could do a bit! Pretend I’m your doctor, say there’s no way that little bastard could be yours because everything’s messed up down there.” Dee gestured at Dennis’ crotch. 

Charlie entered the bar, panting from trying to keep up with Dee. “Yeah, we could say that, like, a keg exploded and mangled it all up.” 

“No- we are not- we are not saying I have a mangled dick! She’s seen me naked, she knows my dick is fine!” A vein began to pop out from Dennis’ forehead. “I can’t deal with this. I need to get ready for dinner.” 

“Dennis, come on,” Dee pleaded, “This might be our last…” She trailed off. 

A sad silence fell. 

“Dee looks like a bird!” Charlie shouted. The gang burst out in forced laughter, even Dee joining in, unwilling to pursue the alternative topic. 

“How do I look?” Frank twirled around as he entered the bar. 

“Disgusting. Let’s go, we’re going to be late.” Dennis, Mac, and Frank exited swiftly, leaving Charlie and Dee in an otherwise empty bar. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You like this place? Best fish in Philadelphia.” Frank leered at the woman.

She scooted her chair further away from Frank.

“Dennis,” she hissed, “what are these people doing here? I thought it was just going to be you and me.” 

“Well-” Dennis began. 

“I am his gay lover,” Mac interjected. “We’re in love. And that’s his rich father. Well, not his real father. He raised him, but Dennis’ mother cheated on him, so his real father-”

“That- that’s enough, Mac. Yes,” Dennis swallowed, “this is my partner, Mac. The man sitting next to you is Frank.”

“Right.” The woman grimaced. “I was hoping we’d get some time alone. We have a lot to discuss.” 

“I’m going to make you an indecent proposal.” Frank spoke in a matter-of-fact tone. “5,000 dollars, we bang, you go back to wherever you’re from and we forget this whole kid thing.”

The woman looked at him, mouth agape. 

“Is that offer just out on the table?” Mac asked excitedly. 

“Mac,” Dennis hissed. 

“Oh, right.” Mac leaned back in his seat. “No, because I’m in a relationship. With Dennis. And I’m not gay for pay.” 

“Christ.” Dennis rubbed his hands against his neck. 

“Listen, Dennis. I don’t know what all this is. You weren’t gay a year ago, obviously. Whatever you’re trying to do with your boyfriend or your father paying me off, I don’t care. I want our child to have a father. I don’t want her to grow up not knowing you. Dennis, I just want you to do the right thing,” the woman said. 

Dennis felt his throat catch. He tried to choke out the words, but they wouldn’t come immediately. 

“I can’t.” His eyes fell, too ashamed to meet her gaze. “I’m sorry, I can’t do it. My whole life is here. All my friends, the bar. I’m-I’m sorry. I’ll visit, I’ll try to be there, okay? But I can’t just… leave.” 

Mac stared at Dennis with doe eyes. The woman looked between them, then pulled a piece of paper out of her purse. 

“Fine. I see what’s going on here.” She scribbled something down. “If you change your mind, here’s our address. I’m sure Callie would love to meet you.” The woman picked up her purse and walked briskly to the exit. 

“I didn’t even get a chance to negotiate!” Frank whined. “I was willing to go up to 7,000!”

Dennis bolted from his chair towards the bathroom. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So…”

Dee looked up from her beer. “What?”

“Are you really going to leave if Dennis leaves?”

“Not like it matters. Dennis is never going to leave. He can’t live without us. Well, he can’t live without Mac.”

“Right, yeah.” Charlie sipped his beer. “But what if he does?”

“I don’t know, Charlie. Why do you care?”

“I don’t.” Charlie shrugged. “I just think we make a good team sometimes. Like the guys are always being jerks to us, we’ve gotta stick together.” 

“So, what, you want me to stay?” 

“No,” Charlie scoffed, “I don’t care. Why would I care?” 

“Yeah,” Dee gave an unconvincing laugh. “Who cares?” She slid off the bar stool and headed for the door. “I’ve gotta get going, get the best pillow before those two boners finish dinner.” 

“Dee, wait.” Charlie grabbed her shoulder, spinning Dee around to face him. 

“Yeah, Charlie?” 

Charlie wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in close. Dee felt his breath hot against her face. It smelled like cheese, but in that moment it didn’t matter to her. 

“Don’t - don’t leave, okay?”

Dee wrapped her arms around his neck. 

“Okay, Charlie.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dennis stood at the sink of the restaurant bathroom, splashing water on his face. He grabbed a paper towel and patted his face dry. As he lowered it, he stared at the reflection in the mirror.

_Christ, look at you. You’re an old man. In spite of all the pomegranate facial masks, the chemical peels, the 70-dollars-a-bottle moisturizer, you’ve become an old man. And what do you have to show for it? A failing bar you share with a bunch of other dead-end losers? A divorce? A burnt down apartment? And now some kid you’re going to just abandon? What the fuck are you doing here? What the fuck is keeping you in Philadelphia?_

“Dennis? Are you in here?” Mac closed the door to the bathroom behind him. 

_Oh, right._

Dennis swiveled around, a tight smile stretched across his face. “Well, it’s over. Thank God.” 

“Den, are you sure you’re okay? I mean, you ran away without saying anything.”

“I’m fine. This is what we wanted, Mac! She’s going back to North Dakota, I’m staying in Philly. And my kid…” Dennis trailed off. 

Mac took a cautious step towards Dennis. “You can still be a good dad, Dennis, really! I mean my dad was in prison all the time and he was still the best. You can write letters, you know, call and stuff.” 

“Act like _your_ dad?” Dennis let out a choking laugh. “Right, because you turned out so well.”

Mac’s face fell. “Don’t talk about my dad that way.”

“Or what? You’re always talking about how you’re such a badass, Mac, so what are you going to do?”

“I don’t want to fight you, dude. I know you’re just upset.”

“Oh, I’m upset? You’re going to tell me how I’m feeling now, Mac?” Dennis swept forward, now nose to nose with Mac. 

“Dennis…”

All at once, Mac’s lips were pressing against Dennis’ and Dennis’ hands snaked through Mac’s slicked back hair. Their mouths and hands moved with urgency, their pressed bodies still not close enough. 

But as quickly as it had began, it was over. Dennis distanced himself at an alarming speed, his back pressing so hard against the lip of the sink that the bruise it left would take weeks to heal. 

“You…” Dennis started, panting.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Dennis” Mac clasped his hands together so tightly that they turned white. 

“What the hell was that? What the hell do you think we are? You think we’re a real couple because we pretended for a few hours?”

“No, Dennis, come on…” Mac pleaded.

“I am not going to _pretend_ to be in a relationship with you for the rest of my life.”

“Hold on, just…”

“I can’t deal with this.” Dennis started for the door.

Mac grasped at his sleeve. “Dennis, wait. I’ll never do it again. Can’t we just go back to the way things were? Get our own apartment again, and forget about this?”

“No, Mac.” Dennis’ face revealed a twinge of pity. “You don’t understand. I can’t do _any_ of this shit anymore. Doing this, being here, with you people, forever. I have to get out of here.”

“Dennis, please don’t go. We can change; we can be better. I promise.”

“I have to go, Mac. I have to be a dad. I don’t want her growing up like I did, like _you_ did, with some asshole dad who’s never even around.”

“B-but,” Mac sputtered, panicking as Dennis reached for the door knob. “She could come here, live with us, we could raise her together!”

Dennis, halfway out the door, turned his head slightly back towards Mac. His eyes cemented themselves to the ground. “I’m never going to love you, Mac.” 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


End file.
